Script Excerpts


[Bradford is snorting a long line of coke. In the background, Renee is relaxing on the sofa, naked.]
Duncan: [Barges in.] How’s my star to—holy smoke! What’s going on here? Did you guys get robbed?
Renee: Duncan, wait, let me explain, it’s not what it looks like—Bradford and I just had violent sex, and now he’s getting jacked up on coke.
Duncan: Don’t give me that young man! You know exactly what I’m talking about. This is an enclosed space, no-one is above the law.
Renee: But—
Duncan: No buts! You’re going to have to smoke that cigarette outside! [Walks over to her and coaxes her out.] Off you go! Watch your step…
Renee: Bradfoooord! [After dispatching Renee, Duncan turns to Bradford, who’s nearing the end of the line of coke.] Now, young man! [Walks over the Bradford and sits next to him.] What did we talk about yesterday, do you remember? We have an exclusive deal with Tits magazine. They are covering everything—from the engagement to the wedding to the divorce. You only have to be patient for three months! Do you have any idea what will happen if word gets out of your daily dilly-dallying? Hmmm? I’ll tell you what will happen. Tits magazine will take our contract and wipe their arses with it—which makes the contract invalid. Are you listening? [Bradford has just finished the line of coke.]
Bradford: Bradford: Look at me, Duncan! [grabs him by the lapels.] I am beautiful! Aren’t I? Tell me I’m beautiful!
Duncan: [Terrified:] I—I will say you are beautiful if you promise to let me see my wife and children again. [Bradford lets go of him, and throws him back into the chair. Bradford moves to the dressing table and looks at himself in the mirror.]
Bradford: And it’s so easy, it’s so damn easy…
Duncan: I’m so happy for you. Now, I spoke to Samantha—
Bradford: Why is it so easy with them, Duncan? Tell me, why?
Duncan: M-maybe I should come back another time.
Bradford: I’ll tell you why it’s easy. Have you heard of the Black Widow, Duncan?
Duncan: Er, I’m not good with insects. Is it a plant? [Duncan is now slowly walking towards the door.]
Bradford: [Lets go of Duncan and turns to the mirror.] The Black Widow is nature’s seducer… She dazes her suitor with a million sweet fragrances [creeps up behind Duncan, stroking him with four arms—he then pulls him into a sort of line-dance], and just when he alights into her warm embrace—
Duncan: That’s really vivid, Bradford, now about the—


Man 1: Excuse me, sir, could you take your hand off my leg?

Man 2: Of course! I thought you’d never ask!

Woman 1: Yeah I got the tickets for free.

Woman 2: Of yeah me too. Where’d you get them?

Woman 1: I got them in “Avant-Garde Percussion Jazz With Bones” magazine.

Woman 2: Oh, I got mine in “Migraine” magazine.

Woman 1: Oh that’s great.

The performer shows up, the audience applaud. Bradford and Samantha look on.

The performance begins (different shots). The audience comment on the performance.

Boy: This isn’t Star Wars! I wanna go home!

Woman: Shut up or you won’t get to see mommy in the shower tonight.

Woman 1: Truly groundbreaking. He’s injecting a tribal urgency into the established bebop tradition. With elements of dixie.

Woman 2: Yeah.

Woman 1: I like his ass too.

Woman: Jeremy, you don’t know how hot I am right now. Why don’t we go home, put on a porno and make hot sex?

Man: Shhhh. I’m trying to listen.

Woman: I’ll let you wear the feather-boa.

Man: [Pause.] The pink one?

Woman: That’s right…

Man: OK let’s go.


Elvis: Bradford! Pull me up! Save me!

Bradford: (s/t) Why, of course! What was I thinking?

Elvis: Listen to me, Bradford! I made you this way—only I can repair you again!

Samantha: (s/t) I can’t hold on!

Bradford: (s/t) Let go of the jaw! Samantha was very attached to it!

Elvis: You must understand! It was the only way! The Sonata for Mandibles and Percussion can only be performed with the right type of bone! Ever since I saw you on Bitchkrieg House… I knew you were the ones!

Bradford: (s/t) What kind of moron actually watches that programme?

Elvis: It’s my favourite show… after Celebrity Colonoscopy.

Bradford: (s/t) Oh my god! Did you see the second season?

Samantha: (s/t) My arm. Is about. To pop.

Elvis: Don’t you understand, Bradford? True music comes from within—it’s in our bones! And if it’s not in our bones, we must look for it in other people’s bones!

Bradford: (s/t) Fascinating! Now, just open your fingers, and plunge to your death.

Samantha: (s/t) Bradford! Let go of the jaw! I don’t need it!

Elvis: Look at you, Bradford! You’ve spent all your life becoming plastic people! Your words are not your own! Your thoughts are not your own! Your hairstyle is not your own!

Samantha: (s/t) Don’t listen to him, Bradford! He’s mad! Besides that I’m in pain!

Elvis: Bradford—you are stronger than the corporate media machine! You are not a product! [Slowly fishes inside his pocket.]

Bradford: (s/t) Wait a second… he’s got a point…